“I can’t cry. I can’t cry. I can’t cry”
My Mom was repeating that phrase over and over again as she was struggling to walk to the bathroom. She had an aide on each side of her and her walker in front of her. It was hard for her. So hard.
Mom has advanced dementia/Alzheimer’s. Her mind no longer handles the simplest of things without a great deal of stress. Hearing her repeat “I can’t cry” like a mantra, literally broke my heart. It also flooded me with memories.
When my Dad died, I never saw Mom cry. When a tornado destroyed her home causing her to lose everything, I never saw Mom cry. When she fully realized that she was losing her mental abilities, I never saw Mom cry.
I think I just assumed she did. Cried that is. When no one was around. Or at least, not when her kids were around. Now I suspect, Mom never cried. Instead, she played the mantra “I can’t cry” on repeat in her brain. Stopping the tears. And more importantly, stopping the feelings. Holding everything in. I have a hunch she learned to do that at an early age. And THAT realization, breaks my heart even more.
I wish she hadn’t done that. But I understand. I understand wanting to Not Feel. Shut it all down. Thinking I can run away from pain. But I can’t. She couldn’t. You can’t either.
Instead, I cry. I want to feel what I need to feel so it can begin to pass. Heal. Leave behind lessons and the bittersweet knowledge that in the end, everything is okay. And the absolute truth that I will be okay.
“It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to cry.“
Hugs friends, if today is the day you allow yourself to cry.
P.S. If you need someone to talk to or if your life is in transition and you need help navigating the next steps, I’m here for you. You can read about my Life Coach services on this page and schedule a free Inquiry Phone Call here.
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